Darkness in Me

There is darkness in me

When I cool down
and become aware of myself
When I turn praying into waiting and listening
Instead of chatting and listing requests for intervention…
And when I'm left on my own and turn off the amusements around me
Then I get uncomfortable…

Because there is darkness in me.

There are doors somewhere in my soul
That I've used to shut away the things I didn't like.

Behind the doors is the darkness
Occupying part of me.

How did it get there, this darkness?

Perhaps many ways…

When I heard people tell me about the way I should be
And it didn't match up to my experience of being free
So I felt I had to lock away something natural in order to be acceptable
And I denied that part of me…

When I got hurt by something or someone
And I didn't or couldn't let the hurt out… didn't say anything
Just looked for a door to open and stuff the pain behind
Because there was nowhere safe to go for a hurt child…

When I trusted someone in my innocence
And they let me down
And I had to find somewhere to put my hope of trust
So that it never got let out again to mess up my life
With it's childish optimism…

When I was helpless and needy, and no-one came to my rescue
No family, no friend, no loving God to protect me
And I came to believe that I was all-alone in this dark world…

When I heard that my sexual thoughts and feelings were anti-social
And I concluded I'd be better off shutting them out
Sticking them behind some closet door where they belong…

When I did something wrong and couldn't own up to it
Because I couldn't believe that people would like me any more
If they knew what I was really like
So I hid the wrong, and the guilt and started live my deep divided life…
The life of me, and the secret me
That's behind all the doors
In the darkness
In me.

And on every door I sense a warning sign:
'Beware - opening this door will result in great pain'

And I don't know if that's true or not,
But I don't feel strong enough to withstand the pain
To take the risk.

I need someone stronger, bigger than me
Who can share that hurt,
who won't leave me while I open up the doors
And take the consequence.
Someone who won't judge me for my weaknesses
Or my badness
Someone who can bear all my brokenness.

I am looking at a man on a cross.

The perfect man who exposed the imperfections in others.

And so the fears and insecurities of the world
Rallied together and tried to destroy him to end the opposition
To the darkness.

And yet no matter how much darkness came his way
He was not destroyed.
Even the force of the darkness of death could not
Overcome him.

He has shown me that God is strong enough
To stay with me and love me as I walk towards my hidden doors.

I will sit here and take a risk.
I will let myself journey to one of my dark places
And confront its forces.

I will question and revisit its origin
Allowing its impact to overwhelm me
because it cannot any longer consume me
because I am no longer alone
because the God of the man on the cross is with me
My new, eternal parent, who can stand to
Know all the darkness in me
And breathe love into the unknown rooms behind my dark doors.

I will stay here and hear the wordless voice of my darkness
And one by one allow all the doors of my soul
To come
Wide open.